When Protecting Her Innocence Is No Longer An Option

This week Izzy came home talking about a fight that had happened at her middle school that day.  It was difficult not to react as she was telling me the events that had unfolded.  Of course, 12 year olds fighting is an issue for me, but more problematic was the fact that the kids at school seemed to really thrive on this kind of activity.  They all knew the fight was going to happen, they had chosen sides, and while they were watching many of the kids pulled out their cell phones to video the whole thing.  I listened.  When Izzy was done talking I asked her how the fight made her feel.

"Scared."

Good.  It should.

The next day she talked about it some more.  Sort of half smiling as she spoke.  The kind of storytelling kids do when they are nervous and they know they are testing their parent's limit of acceptability.  Even though the fight scared her, it also intrigued her.  And she was curious about what would be happening next.  I had listened.  But now I had a chance to weigh in.

"Izzy, you know what the problem with 12 year olds fighting is?"
"What, momma?"
"The 12 year olds become 15 year olds.  And then they become 25 year olds.  And then they become 50 year olds.  And unless somewhere along the way they decide that fighting is not ok, they continue to do it.  That's why some families fight.  Problems aren't solved just because we grow older.  Problems are solved when we make good choices."

Izzy has this amazing, energetic, sweet personality.  She was 10 when we adopted her and something about being 10 and being Izzy and being adopted was borderline magical.  To say that Izzy was proud of being adopted is a huge understatement.  She talked about it constantly with classmates and teachers.  She shared adoption day photos.  She said prayers like "God, thanks for giving me a safe place to live now."  It's almost like Izzy was that perfect age of being old enough to remember her past, but young enough to still be innocent.  She is the "middle" of our eight kids- too young to hang with the teens but older than the "littles".  And when it comes to her adoption story this placement has been beautiful.

So back to the fight and why it bothered me- because Izzy has already seen too much.

Way.  Too.  Much.

Her innocence was stolen from yet, yet she managed to maintain it.  She remembers- but for a moment last week she forgot.

The last thing I ever want to do is take her back to that scary place.  Back to the fighting.  But I also realize all the bad things I had hoped to protect my kids from they have experienced first hand.  We can't protect them.  All we can do is reframe.  Give them a different lens to look through.  Shift their worldview.

So for a brief moment I let Izzy remember what it is like to live in a home where fighting happens regularly.  I helped her connect how a schoolyard fight between middle schoolers could become a domestic violence dispute 20 years down the road.  There is nothing cool about that.  No one wins.  And no one is pulling out the cell phone to video those fights.

I understand that kids fight.  This is nothing new.  And I am not suggesting that every fight stems from or leads to violence in the home.  But as a parent I saw that for a moment Izzy was getting caught up in the drama of it all.  For a moment she liked it.  And for a moment, she needed to remember that fighting hurts.

We Can't Do This

I began this blog close to a year ago- our adoption had been finalized for about a year at that point.  Lots of things were still new.  The learning curve was steep.  Now, a year later I want to finish this blog because we are settling in.  It's easy to forget.  It's time to remind myself what He has done for us:

A couple of weeks ago our two older girls had an appointment.  Let me back up by saying that one of the biggest frustrations I have had with foster care/adoption is the insurance situation.  Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful for the medical professionals who choose to accept government insurance programs.  Even though we have officially adopted the kids, they are able to keep their Medicaid insurance.  Which is great.  Except not always.  For example, when it's time to take our biological kids to the dentist, they cannot wait!  They love the dentist.  Gretchen actually asks to go to the dentist on her birthday!  The office is bright and kid friendly and the staff is amazing!  It's a great experience for them.  On the other hand, our adopted kids went to another dentist in town and the whole experience was less than desirable.  The office is always way over-crowded, there is no chance to speak with any of the staff privately, and the wait time was often over 2 hours.  Much different experience.  Again, I am thankful for the option to have six kids' medical bills paid in full, but we really started to wonder if it was all worth it.  I know there are some great Medicaid doctors out there (we have had several), and I have no interest in debating government health care.  I'm just saying this was our experience.  As a parent to ALL of these children, it seemed completely unfair that two of the kids loved their medical appointments, and six dreaded them.  Not to mention it was just inconvenient to have two sets of doctors.
At the time Asa and Gretchen's medical providers did not accept Medicaid but, because we trusted them completely, we began to explain our situation to them and ask if they had other medical providers they would feel comfortable referring us to.  As they heard our story, they individually told us that they would be willing to see all eight of our kids.  I could not be more thankful for this!!!  And all of our kiddos now happily go to doctor's appointments.
We had another specialist we had to see a couple of weeks ago for the two older girls.  We had a Medicaid option, but seeing him would have required an hour+ drive (one way) every month for the next couple of years.  And the only day they could see us was on Tuesdays, when Ray and I both have staff meeting.  I started to calculate not only the expense of our time, but also of gas to and from.  The "free" medical treatment was becoming pretty costly.
Through a referral, we ended up making an appointment for another doctor in town (a non-Medicaid provider) who I had heard great things about!  Again, the office was cheerful and bright.  It looked like a place where kids belong.  The staff was excellent and they made my girls feel very comfortable.  Within just a few minutes I knew this was where I would want my girls to be seen.  I also knew it would be expensive.
Another long story short....at the end of our visit the staff let us know that they had heard our story, and they wanted to be able to help us.  They offered us a very significant discount on the girls' medical care.  I have no idea how they heard our story, or how much of it they know.  While we were at the office we did not discuss it.
As I was driving with the girls after the visit, I was overcome with gratitude and I felt compelled to tell them what was on my heart.  It went something like this....
"When Daddy and I were making the decision about adopting all six of you, we had some things we needed to work through.  When you become a mom or a dad, there are certain things you want to be able to give your child.  There are material things you want to be able to provide for your children, and you also want to be able to spend quality time with them.  We certainly didn't want to spoil Asa or Gretchen, but we wanted them to be able to have what they needed, play on sports teams or do music lessons, etc.  And we wanted to give them the time and attention they needed.  Adding six more kids to our family was a BIG decision.  We wanted to be able to give YOU all of those same things.  We had a lot of people asking us if we thought we could do it.  'Will you be able to afford it?'  'Will you have enough time for all of them?'  'Will you be able to keep working AND raise a large family?'  I wanted so badly to tell everyone that we COULD do it.  That we had a plan.  We could pull this off.  But as we began to really pray about it, I remember getting a very different answer.  Instead of God telling us that we could do it all on our own, He said.... 'You CAN'T do it.  Not by yourselves.  But I will send people who will help you.  I will surround your family with a community that is like none you've ever been a part of.'"
I went on to remind the girls of all the people who continually pour into their lives.  People who show up for their special events.  Who send them money for their summer mission trips and camps.  People who take them driving.  And shopping.  And out to lunch or the movies.  People who bring us dinner on a regular basis.  People who tutor them.  And encourage them.  Doctors who don't even know them, but want to help them.
And here's the thing.... I want my girls to know how much they are loved.  I want them to recognize that these kinds of things don't just happen.  This community of people God has put into our lives is a fulfillment of His promise to Ray and me.  Community is our rainbow.  It's His demonstration of faithfulness to our family.  It's a reminder that He is the One who sustains us- and He uses His people to do it.  If you are one of those people- THANK YOU!  You are a gift.  You are making this family possible.