When Protecting Her Innocence Is No Longer An Option

This week Izzy came home talking about a fight that had happened at her middle school that day.  It was difficult not to react as she was telling me the events that had unfolded.  Of course, 12 year olds fighting is an issue for me, but more problematic was the fact that the kids at school seemed to really thrive on this kind of activity.  They all knew the fight was going to happen, they had chosen sides, and while they were watching many of the kids pulled out their cell phones to video the whole thing.  I listened.  When Izzy was done talking I asked her how the fight made her feel.

"Scared."

Good.  It should.

The next day she talked about it some more.  Sort of half smiling as she spoke.  The kind of storytelling kids do when they are nervous and they know they are testing their parent's limit of acceptability.  Even though the fight scared her, it also intrigued her.  And she was curious about what would be happening next.  I had listened.  But now I had a chance to weigh in.

"Izzy, you know what the problem with 12 year olds fighting is?"
"What, momma?"
"The 12 year olds become 15 year olds.  And then they become 25 year olds.  And then they become 50 year olds.  And unless somewhere along the way they decide that fighting is not ok, they continue to do it.  That's why some families fight.  Problems aren't solved just because we grow older.  Problems are solved when we make good choices."

Izzy has this amazing, energetic, sweet personality.  She was 10 when we adopted her and something about being 10 and being Izzy and being adopted was borderline magical.  To say that Izzy was proud of being adopted is a huge understatement.  She talked about it constantly with classmates and teachers.  She shared adoption day photos.  She said prayers like "God, thanks for giving me a safe place to live now."  It's almost like Izzy was that perfect age of being old enough to remember her past, but young enough to still be innocent.  She is the "middle" of our eight kids- too young to hang with the teens but older than the "littles".  And when it comes to her adoption story this placement has been beautiful.

So back to the fight and why it bothered me- because Izzy has already seen too much.

Way.  Too.  Much.

Her innocence was stolen from yet, yet she managed to maintain it.  She remembers- but for a moment last week she forgot.

The last thing I ever want to do is take her back to that scary place.  Back to the fighting.  But I also realize all the bad things I had hoped to protect my kids from they have experienced first hand.  We can't protect them.  All we can do is reframe.  Give them a different lens to look through.  Shift their worldview.

So for a brief moment I let Izzy remember what it is like to live in a home where fighting happens regularly.  I helped her connect how a schoolyard fight between middle schoolers could become a domestic violence dispute 20 years down the road.  There is nothing cool about that.  No one wins.  And no one is pulling out the cell phone to video those fights.

I understand that kids fight.  This is nothing new.  And I am not suggesting that every fight stems from or leads to violence in the home.  But as a parent I saw that for a moment Izzy was getting caught up in the drama of it all.  For a moment she liked it.  And for a moment, she needed to remember that fighting hurts.