Raw

All in all, I would say life is going great.  I could fill a book with all the things I am thankful for.  However, in the midst of all the great, there has been some icky.  And it's been going on for a while now.  Today it felt heavy.  The kind of heavy that can't be shaken even though you know:
  *God is good
  *My family is amazing
  *I have the best friends in the world
  *Etc
It's heavy because it won't go away on its own.  I won't wake up tomorrow and find that everything is fixed.  I have some decisions to make.  And today I have been thinking about that.  A lot.

When I got home from work, we ate dinner and began the bedtime ritual.  Even with three kids at camp this week, I had that "I am not sure can muster enough energy to see this thing through" feeling.  I had work to do.  Lists to make.  Lunches to pack.  Sleep sounded a lot better.

Then, something amazing happened.  I had only planned to take the fruit and veggie scraps from our kitchen out to the compost pile, then come back inside.  But once I got out to the garden, I started to investigate.  I expected maybe a couple of tomatoes.  A few beans.  Possibly a pepper.  Instead, what I found was:

A baby watermelon! 

 No... TWO baby watermelons!

 The cantaloupe has doubled in size, in what?  A couple of days?!  And he has seven more friends:)

 Okra!  Finally!  Okra!

 The carrots are thickening.

 And the habenero has turned.

Several more tomatoes were ready.

 And two more eggplants.

I don't really know what it is about this gardening thing, but I am pretty sure it is borderline magical.  Nothing about my situation has changed.  But for tonight, I am no longer tired.  The ickiness has subsided.  The weight has lifted.  And things are looking up.

When Protecting Her Innocence Is No Longer An Option

This week Izzy came home talking about a fight that had happened at her middle school that day.  It was difficult not to react as she was telling me the events that had unfolded.  Of course, 12 year olds fighting is an issue for me, but more problematic was the fact that the kids at school seemed to really thrive on this kind of activity.  They all knew the fight was going to happen, they had chosen sides, and while they were watching many of the kids pulled out their cell phones to video the whole thing.  I listened.  When Izzy was done talking I asked her how the fight made her feel.

"Scared."

Good.  It should.

The next day she talked about it some more.  Sort of half smiling as she spoke.  The kind of storytelling kids do when they are nervous and they know they are testing their parent's limit of acceptability.  Even though the fight scared her, it also intrigued her.  And she was curious about what would be happening next.  I had listened.  But now I had a chance to weigh in.

"Izzy, you know what the problem with 12 year olds fighting is?"
"What, momma?"
"The 12 year olds become 15 year olds.  And then they become 25 year olds.  And then they become 50 year olds.  And unless somewhere along the way they decide that fighting is not ok, they continue to do it.  That's why some families fight.  Problems aren't solved just because we grow older.  Problems are solved when we make good choices."

Izzy has this amazing, energetic, sweet personality.  She was 10 when we adopted her and something about being 10 and being Izzy and being adopted was borderline magical.  To say that Izzy was proud of being adopted is a huge understatement.  She talked about it constantly with classmates and teachers.  She shared adoption day photos.  She said prayers like "God, thanks for giving me a safe place to live now."  It's almost like Izzy was that perfect age of being old enough to remember her past, but young enough to still be innocent.  She is the "middle" of our eight kids- too young to hang with the teens but older than the "littles".  And when it comes to her adoption story this placement has been beautiful.

So back to the fight and why it bothered me- because Izzy has already seen too much.

Way.  Too.  Much.

Her innocence was stolen from yet, yet she managed to maintain it.  She remembers- but for a moment last week she forgot.

The last thing I ever want to do is take her back to that scary place.  Back to the fighting.  But I also realize all the bad things I had hoped to protect my kids from they have experienced first hand.  We can't protect them.  All we can do is reframe.  Give them a different lens to look through.  Shift their worldview.

So for a brief moment I let Izzy remember what it is like to live in a home where fighting happens regularly.  I helped her connect how a schoolyard fight between middle schoolers could become a domestic violence dispute 20 years down the road.  There is nothing cool about that.  No one wins.  And no one is pulling out the cell phone to video those fights.

I understand that kids fight.  This is nothing new.  And I am not suggesting that every fight stems from or leads to violence in the home.  But as a parent I saw that for a moment Izzy was getting caught up in the drama of it all.  For a moment she liked it.  And for a moment, she needed to remember that fighting hurts.

We Can't Do This

I began this blog close to a year ago- our adoption had been finalized for about a year at that point.  Lots of things were still new.  The learning curve was steep.  Now, a year later I want to finish this blog because we are settling in.  It's easy to forget.  It's time to remind myself what He has done for us:

A couple of weeks ago our two older girls had an appointment.  Let me back up by saying that one of the biggest frustrations I have had with foster care/adoption is the insurance situation.  Don't get me wrong, I am VERY thankful for the medical professionals who choose to accept government insurance programs.  Even though we have officially adopted the kids, they are able to keep their Medicaid insurance.  Which is great.  Except not always.  For example, when it's time to take our biological kids to the dentist, they cannot wait!  They love the dentist.  Gretchen actually asks to go to the dentist on her birthday!  The office is bright and kid friendly and the staff is amazing!  It's a great experience for them.  On the other hand, our adopted kids went to another dentist in town and the whole experience was less than desirable.  The office is always way over-crowded, there is no chance to speak with any of the staff privately, and the wait time was often over 2 hours.  Much different experience.  Again, I am thankful for the option to have six kids' medical bills paid in full, but we really started to wonder if it was all worth it.  I know there are some great Medicaid doctors out there (we have had several), and I have no interest in debating government health care.  I'm just saying this was our experience.  As a parent to ALL of these children, it seemed completely unfair that two of the kids loved their medical appointments, and six dreaded them.  Not to mention it was just inconvenient to have two sets of doctors.
At the time Asa and Gretchen's medical providers did not accept Medicaid but, because we trusted them completely, we began to explain our situation to them and ask if they had other medical providers they would feel comfortable referring us to.  As they heard our story, they individually told us that they would be willing to see all eight of our kids.  I could not be more thankful for this!!!  And all of our kiddos now happily go to doctor's appointments.
We had another specialist we had to see a couple of weeks ago for the two older girls.  We had a Medicaid option, but seeing him would have required an hour+ drive (one way) every month for the next couple of years.  And the only day they could see us was on Tuesdays, when Ray and I both have staff meeting.  I started to calculate not only the expense of our time, but also of gas to and from.  The "free" medical treatment was becoming pretty costly.
Through a referral, we ended up making an appointment for another doctor in town (a non-Medicaid provider) who I had heard great things about!  Again, the office was cheerful and bright.  It looked like a place where kids belong.  The staff was excellent and they made my girls feel very comfortable.  Within just a few minutes I knew this was where I would want my girls to be seen.  I also knew it would be expensive.
Another long story short....at the end of our visit the staff let us know that they had heard our story, and they wanted to be able to help us.  They offered us a very significant discount on the girls' medical care.  I have no idea how they heard our story, or how much of it they know.  While we were at the office we did not discuss it.
As I was driving with the girls after the visit, I was overcome with gratitude and I felt compelled to tell them what was on my heart.  It went something like this....
"When Daddy and I were making the decision about adopting all six of you, we had some things we needed to work through.  When you become a mom or a dad, there are certain things you want to be able to give your child.  There are material things you want to be able to provide for your children, and you also want to be able to spend quality time with them.  We certainly didn't want to spoil Asa or Gretchen, but we wanted them to be able to have what they needed, play on sports teams or do music lessons, etc.  And we wanted to give them the time and attention they needed.  Adding six more kids to our family was a BIG decision.  We wanted to be able to give YOU all of those same things.  We had a lot of people asking us if we thought we could do it.  'Will you be able to afford it?'  'Will you have enough time for all of them?'  'Will you be able to keep working AND raise a large family?'  I wanted so badly to tell everyone that we COULD do it.  That we had a plan.  We could pull this off.  But as we began to really pray about it, I remember getting a very different answer.  Instead of God telling us that we could do it all on our own, He said.... 'You CAN'T do it.  Not by yourselves.  But I will send people who will help you.  I will surround your family with a community that is like none you've ever been a part of.'"
I went on to remind the girls of all the people who continually pour into their lives.  People who show up for their special events.  Who send them money for their summer mission trips and camps.  People who take them driving.  And shopping.  And out to lunch or the movies.  People who bring us dinner on a regular basis.  People who tutor them.  And encourage them.  Doctors who don't even know them, but want to help them.
And here's the thing.... I want my girls to know how much they are loved.  I want them to recognize that these kinds of things don't just happen.  This community of people God has put into our lives is a fulfillment of His promise to Ray and me.  Community is our rainbow.  It's His demonstration of faithfulness to our family.  It's a reminder that He is the One who sustains us- and He uses His people to do it.  If you are one of those people- THANK YOU!  You are a gift.  You are making this family possible.

"Did You Guys Plan This?"

People often ask us how it is we came to adopt six kids in one fell swoop.  "Did you plan this?"  My internal dialogue goes something like this, "Does anyone plan THIS?"  The filtered version of me usually is able to say something a little softer like "Not exactly.  It was a process."  So, here is the Cliffs notes version of the story.

I read my first book on foster care when I was still in high school.  I was drawn to it then, and knew it was something I wanted to do.  Ray has had a heart for adoption for a long time.  We discussed the possibility of fostering/adopting before we were ever engaged.  The idea was there, but definitely on the back burner.

We had three basic rules we had settled on:

1) We would start our biological family first (perhaps the only rule we actually kept).  And we would not foster or adopt until our bio kids were older... we thought middle school would be a good age.
2) We would not foster or adopt any child older than our bio children.  We wanted the influence of oldest to youngest to work in our favor.  We figured this was safer (and it probably was).
3) One kid.  That's it.  One.

I am a rule follower so this list was important.  We had a plan.

Of course we were far too young and naive to understand that God had a plan of His own.  And that life has a funny, and unexpected, way of unfolding.

In May of 2009 we had Asa (4) and Gretchen (2).  I was only working part time at Kids' Day Out.  We bought our first house and swore we'd never move again.  A few months later I was offered a full time job at the church, and although I really thought I'd stay at home for a few more years, I couldn't pass the opportunity up.  I took it.  That was a large part of the catalyst.  I soon realized that almost half of the kids I worked with in Children's Ministry were currently in foster care, or had been adopted out of it.  The opportunity was now front and center.

Not long after that we were invited to a church kid's birthday party.  It was a great day.  Asa and Gretchen had a blast swimming and playing on the bounce house.  There was lots of food.  The community was strong.  And we were invited into it.  What Ray and I both realized, and discussed on the way home that day, was that Asa and Gretchen were the only bio kids at that party.  All the other families were involved in foster care.  Ray and I talked on the way home.  The timeline had been bumped up.  Why wait?  The need is NOW.  And it is staring us in the face.

We started MAPP classes (Model Approach to Partnership in Parenting).  Basically, foster care classes. Thirty hours of them, followed by home visits, background checks, inspections, and lots of paperwork.

While we were still in MAPP, a foster family from our church called to let me know they were taking in a sibling group of three girls (Jessica was 14, Sarah was 13, and Izzy- then named Sandy- was 8).  Since at least one of the girls would be in children's ministry with me, I went to the foster family's house the day the girls arrived.  I took a couple of meals and a Bible for each girl.  I remember a handful of things about that day.  Little did I know I was meeting three of my future daughters!!!  Wow, the thought of that...

During that summer the girls were around a lot.  We saw them mostly at church.  They were shy, and stayed close to the few people they knew.  Remember, we were still in process of getting our license so I was paying close attention to how everything unfolded.  I had lots of questions.  And thankfully I had a bunch of foster families at the church who were available to discuss all of these things with me.

Not too long after that I had a group of elementary kids at summer camp.  I received a call from the foster mom who had the girls and she gave me some unexpected news... the girls had three younger siblings!  They were in three separate foster homes in three different counties.  And they hadn't been receiving their weekly sibling visits.

"Wouldn't it be great if you took the younger three kids once you are licensed?" she asked.

"No, that wouldn't be great.  Sounds kinda like hell to me," I replied.  I only say this because, remember, Asa and Gretchen are 4 and 2.  And the three little kids were 2, 3, and 5 at the time.  FIVE PRESCHOOLERS.  No thank you.

But she had a positive persistence.  One of those people who thinks big and sees what is possible.  God used her repetitive invitations for us to open up our home to the three little kids.  It was definitely not an overnight decision, but by the time we were licensed, we had made the decision.  If possible, we would foster the three little kids.  Two foster homes were better than four foster homes.  All six kids would see each other at church on Wednesdays and Sundays.  They could visit each other regularly.  It did seem like a much better set up.  And it worked!  Exactly as planned, we received our license and the three littles moved in one at a time.  First Brittany, then Kristina, and finally Matthew (then called Terry).

I think I have referenced in other blogs how difficult that first year was.  Truly exhausting.  But we managed (with God's grace and some wonderful friends) and everything fell into place.  While we were getting to know these three new little guys, we also continued getting to know the three older girls.

The goal of foster care is always to reunify children with their biological family.  So for eighteen months we faced the very real possibility that these kids we were falling in love with may not get to stay with us.  Another potential blog topic- how do you love on kids like they are your own, when they may not get to be your own?  Another time.

In November 2010 the kids' case took an unexpected turn.  Their bio parents failed to show for a critical court date and their parental rights were terminated on the spot.  Even after eighteen months, the realization that these kids would never return to their birth parents seemed very sudden.  It was a flurry of emotion.  So much sadness and grieving over what they had just lost.  Uncertainty in regards to the future.  Thankfulness that the justice system worked, and these sweet ones would land somewhere safe.    That day was surreal.  The details are very fuzzy now.

We knew that the welfare agency would do everything they could to try to place this sibling group in a single adoptive home.  Six kids.  Instant family.  Just add water:)

I won't go into all the details of the weeks that followed, but I can tell you that it was gut wrenching.  There were now two foster families who had invested deeply in these kids.  Two families that loved them.  There were no easy answers.  Eighteen months is a long time to have a child in your home- no one wants to lose that.

Before 2010 came to a close, the three oldest girls had moved in with us.  God had worked on us, slowly but surely, and we had accepted His invitation.  We were now parents to EIGHT children!

My friends, we did not plan this.  But He knew it all along.

Community- Part 1

As I think about all the things I hope to write about some day, I can already tell that COMMUNITY will be a recurring theme.  One of the most amazing expressions of community happened around this time last year when God dropped an amazing opportunity in our laps.  I'll save all the details for another blog, but the short version is that our church began working with a group we now call Isaiah 58 (at the time led by a man named William)- a ministry to those who are homeless or disadvantaged.  Around the same time, several of my close friends and I read, and then shared, books such as Crazy Love (Chan), 7 (Hatmaker), and Kisses from Katie (Davis).  We were wrecked to our cores.  Our stewardship of not only our finances, but also our time and talent, came under deep and swift conviction.

Have you ever had an amazing experience - alone - and then returned to family or friends and tried to adequately put it into words, only to realize you fall way short of doing it justice?  What was precious to you now is at risk of becoming a frustration.  If only those you love could have experienced it alongside of you!

I feel so blessed that this was not the case.  Right there with me, were my friends.  God was dealing with us all.  The conviction was no less strong, but with it came a comfort.  An understanding.  We were in it together.

I saved a couple of those precious texts.  Re-reading them for the first time tonight, I am so glad that I held on to them.  How much we forget! And how quickly!

3/20/12 text from my friend Erin:
Erin:  "I don't like you very much right now.  I just ate half rotten salad for lunch b/c there are starving children who would have killed for my lunch.  Thank u William, Katie Davis, & Jen Hatmaker.  I don't like u very much right now."

Me: "Ha!  I ate the crust on my bread today (which I always tell my children to do but personally revolt against).  I have substituted some of the craziest foods for dinner b/c I refused to go to the store and buy what we actually needed.  Etc etc.  Ray came home 'mad at God' one day last week."

By the way, Ray was "mad at God" because he was in on this thing too.  And while he agreed with my new frugal approach to meal planning, he hated it.  You can mess with a lot with that boy, but leave his food alone!

3/21/12 text from my friend Meg
Meg: "I just had a moment, in front of Marshalls.  There was a lady, with a sign, u know what it said.  I walked passed 'I am on the phone God, I'll catch her on the way out.'  I go inside, hang up, feel convicted, open my wallet. 'I only have $20 God, she may spend it on drugs.'  I keep walking deeper into the store.  God replies, 'and how is that different than spending it on a dress you don't need.' (which was for Anna's shower, btw) [Anna is a sweet friend of ours from church and Meg is helping host a baby shower for her this weekend].  I turn around, cross the street, hand her the $20.  She looks down and says 'wow, this is a lot.  I can go home now.'  We talk;  I share Jesus.  I want this new normal..."

Me: "Thx.  I am crying now."

Meg : "Thank our new 'friends' William, Katie, and Jen!!!"

Me: "Erin and I decided we'll all wear our oldest dress to Anna's shower :)"

3 hours later...

Meg: "No lie, found a dress in my closet I wore to MY REHEARSAL dinner- makes it over 10 years old!!!  May be a contender for Saturday. :)"

Me: "Chances are very good.  Especially since I just gave away half of my clothes!!!"

I have a million more texts similar to these from more friends than I deserve.  Technical testimonies to the kinds of friends have.  Ones who love Jesus, and spur me on to love Him more.  Friends who have my back.  Who don't call me crazy.... or more appropriately they DO call me crazy- and tell me to go for it anyway.  Friends who I don't have to explain myself to, because they already get it.  Friends who are far from perfect, like me.  But they are letting God have His way with them.  And they let me have front row seats for the show.

This community thing is so good.  I don't ever want to forget that or take it for granted.

Willing

Several years ago God began to work on my heart in regards to my perception of the homeless.  Like anything that I have been convicted of, the process was slow- not because God wasn't clear, but because I am dull.  Years later, when I finally "get it" I can look back and see how long it took me to arrive.  He is patient with me!

This particular transformation began with my attitude towards panhandlers.  I couldn't ignore them but I also didn't feel comfortable giving money.  At that time McDonald's sold $1 food vouchers in denominations of $5, $10, $20.  I bought some of those and kept them in my glove box.  If I saw someone holding a sign, I could tear out a few dollars of voucher money.

McDonald's stopped carrying those so I decided if I saw someone with a sign, I would go get them food and bring it back to them.  One time I did that and the person had 3 other bags of fast food at his feet by the time I returned.  Fail.

Off and on Ray and I have been known to carry bottles of water and Gatorade in our car, along with some granola bars or something similar.  This seemed like a much better alternative than giving hot food.

Fast forward a few years.  I read the book "What Difference Do It Make?".  It's a story about an unlikely friendship that formed between a wealthy art dealer and an illiterate homeless man.  The one lesson I took away from that book centered on dignity.  While I may have been meeting a small and immediate need of food, I was doing nothing to help a fellow human being feel.... human.  My friend Marty says if you offer a homeless or disadvantaged person $5 or 5 minutes of your undivided attention, they will want your attention every time.  I know that now.  I didn't know that then.  And giving a stranger my time made me nervous.

Not long after reading that book I went to Panera for lunch.  I was alone, which is like heaven to me.  I had a book with me, and I had no intention of talking to anyone:)  Not long after I sat down, right by the window, I saw a man walk by, all of his possessions in his shopping cart.  I don't recall if he was asking anyone for anything.  I don't think he was.  

"Invite him to eat lunch with you."

Crickets......

"How about I just buy him food?  He looks hungry."

"Invite him to eat WITH YOU."

I like to pull the "I'm just a girl" card, but only when it's convenient.  Currently, it was convenient.

"What if something happens?  I want to obey you, but I also want to be wise.  I have a family to think about, you know?"

"It's your choice."

I went out and spoke to the man.  I introduced myself and I asked him his name.  I invited him to lunch.

Sadly, I don't remember his name.  I don't remember much of what we talked about.  What I know for sure is that experience added another link to the chain to get me where I am today, which is still far from where I hope to be- but further along than where I was.

That was probably two years ago.  I haven't thought about that day much at all since then.  Until I drove into work this morning....

On my way I drove right past an older man sitting along the side of the road.  He had a suitcase beside him.  He was not at a bus stop pick up location.  He looked rough.

"Stop and talk to him."

"The road is busy.  I can't just stop.  Plus, I'm just a girl..."  You can imagine how the next 2 minutes went as I argued with myself.  And with God.  "Aren't I doing enough?  I've changed.  I have friends who are homeless.  I ate lunch with them yesterday!  It's not that I don't care.  Surely you know that.   I'm going to be late for work.  And he did look pretty sketchy.  Where does common sense fit in here?  I am pretty sure Ray would not want me to stop."

At this point I am a mile further down the road than I was.  Now it's just downright inconvenient.

"It's your choice."

Three U-turns later I approach the man in the vehicle.  I slow and roll the window down just as he stands up and begins to walk towards me.  

"Are you ok?" I ask.

He nods.

"You're OK?  Do you need anything?"  He doesn't.

Sometimes He just wants to know we are WILLING to obey.  Then we are off the hook.  Genesis 22.

Finding Margin

Ever had unsolicited advice come at you from several unrelated sources in a very short amount of time?  A few months ago, on multiple accounts, I had different individuals, in regards to raising kids, say things like:

"They grow up so fast."

"You'll blink and they will be bigger than you are."

"Enjoy these years, they go by too quickly."

A few months ago is also when we were preparing to close on our new home, and enter an insane season of renovation and moving.  The pressure was building.

On a day to day basis, we do OK.  We have settled into the demands of running a large family.  Meals are planned ahead.  Calendars and to-do lists are created.  Things get done.

But on a day to day basis we are not purchasing a house.  We are not moving.  We are not renovating.

I began to consider what a day in the life of the Jester family looks like.  Busy.  Hyper-structured.  But do-able.  Even sustainable I would have said (after all, we've been maintaining this pace for two years now).  What I realized is that it was do-able and sustainable IF everything went according to plan.  IF no one had to go to the ER.  IF everyone's behavior remained civil.  IF we weren't renovating a home.

But life is messy.  Seasons change.  Stuff comes up.  And the plan doesn't always fall into place.  Then what?

I hadn't totally lost it yet, but I knew I was reaching my limit.  And quickly.  I decided I wanted to heed the advice I had been given.  I wanted to recognize the truly important things in life (my family).  Something had to give.

I approached the leadership at church and let them know how I was feeling.  I asked for a reduced work schedule for the next couple of months, just to get through the renovation and move.  I stopped packing lunches every day and I let the kids eat school lunch (yes, this is a big deal for me but my kids loved it).  I didn't sign up for the new basketball season (a HUGE sacrifice).  I re-worked the family calendar so that we didn't have something going on every night of the week.  I was on a quest to create margin in my life- some room to breath.

The old me, the one with a stubborn and unteachable spirit, would have pushed through.  That Jody would have said "it's only a couple of months.  Suck it up and get through it."  That version of me thrives on people's comments, "How DO you do it all?"  That me likes to have it all together.  Likes hyper productivity.

But there's a new me surfacing.  One that craves some stillness.  Some peace and quiet.  Some down time.  A me that knows that while my physical body may be able to go go go, my spirit needs some rest.

It's been four months since my quest for margin began.  The house is ours.  The bulk of the work is behind us.  A normal work week has resumed.

I sat on the porch this afternoon, surrounded by family.  The french doors leading to our lanai were all opened.  The breeze was incredible.  The house was calm.  I had a few things to do today but nothing incredibly pressing.  My calendar was not overly full.  My soul is happy.  There is room to breath.

Basketball starts up again soon and I really miss it.  I signed up to play.  I started packing the kids' lunches again.  I am acutely aware of the fact that I am just a few decisions away from being back to over-scheduled.  I really don't want that.

Margin is a moving target- I plan to stay locked in on it.